Illegal chefs and television personalities

I had an absolute ball last night.

Although the evening had a shaky start, if I am honest!Went to dinner at the Buckingham with Squiffy, Margery and Henry. The three courses were up to the usual standard - we sent the soup back twice before we changed our order to prawn cocktails (which came with a slice of wholemeal bread we had to spread our own butter on - what a disgrace!).

We then questioned the chef's familiarity with both a kitchen and the immigration laws of this country when we found several hairs and a blatantly forged passport in the baked trout.We left the Buckingham in rather a fluster after being threatened rather unneccessarily in a language none of us understood and with a nasty looking skewer.

After hastily muching on some "sandwiches" purchased in something called a "Tesco" and staring rather aimlessly at a statue of a small boy widdling on the dead body of a small furry animal (The inscription had been worn off, so we couldn't work out what it was in rememberance of - but we did have a guess. The most likely suggestion was a tribute to the work of Huntingdon Life Sciences.), we decided that the time had come to move on to a bar.And so we ended up in my private club, Wellington's. Well, Henry, Squiffy and I did.

Margery had to wait at the door for us to finish our cheroots and measures of whiskey. When we had done so, off we trotted, looking for a party.

As something seemed to be going on in one particularly lively hostelry, we decided to blend in to the crowd there.Met a chap who said he works in television. Graham something. Same name as a rather stylish motorcycle I had during one of my mid-life crises... Norton. That was it. Graham Norton. Jolly nice chap, too. Promised to come round for high tea next week.Squiffy said something about Mr Norton being homosexual. Can't see that myself...Anyway, I have to call his agent to arrange the tea. And that means I have to find the telephone. 40 rooms and I never manage to leave it in the same one twice.

Pip pip.

SLB